18 Weeks

18 Weeks! That means we are officially halfway there.

Our perinatologist said 50% of twins are born before 34 weeks and recommends all identical twins sharing a placenta be born at or before 36 weeks. Apparently, the risks of stillbirth increases after the 36 week marker. So yes, only 18 weeks (or so) to go!

At 18 weeks, the babies look perfect. There are no abnormalities and they are relatively the same size, which means there are no signs of twin to twin transfusion. The ultrasound lasted nearly an hour and every bone, organ, and sac of fluid was measured. It was incredible how much can be seen this early! Here is a profile shot of Baby A:

And here is a profile shot of Baby B:

Please note the part labeled "A Bum." Yes, this is Baby A's bum...right in Baby B's face. The ultrasound technician couldn't stop laughing. She had difficulty seeing Baby B's face and then realized what was blocking the image; they are definitely sharing a very tight space.

Back to our perinatologist, Dr. Halvorsen was definitely interesting. He was very knowledgeable and gave us the facts. The biggest disappointment was that again, we waited for hours to be seen (literally). I thought scheduling the first appointment of the day would avoid that problem. Not so. Knowing Dr. Halvorsen is the only high risk doctor for a 3 hour radius, Nathan and I couldn't just walk out of the office. I realize now how much I took for granted all the healthcare options in Provo.

Every two weeks, we'll have one of these hour long ultrasounds and make sure the babies are still the same size. I know there is a long road ahead of us, but I am so excited everything looks great so far. Additionally, I must say that the entire "twin" thing hasn't really sunk in yet. Every time we see two babies on the ultrasound, it's amazing and wonderful, but also somewhat unreal. I'm sure reality will sink in once I am hugely pregnant and feeling two little ones kick and move around. Hopefully.

What a Ride

She kept asking Papa for "more." I think she got enough.

17 Weeks +

On Sunday, I hit the 17 week marker.

I swear I look bigger from the other angle. Also, I look sad because I am tired and mostly disappointed with how difficult it is to take good picture of me! I just look depressed and smiling looks way too forced.

I felt the babies move for the first time this week, which was so exciting! Eliza was the most active baby around, so I hope her brothers don't follow her example. I can't imagine two little ones bouncing around all day (and night).

We went to our doctor's office today, and I must say I am horribly disappointed with the clinic. There are 12 physicians, who are definitely overbooked. Their waiting room literally had over 40 people in it, which created an environment more similar to a factory than an office. After waiting forty minutes to be seen, we were finally taken back and visited with a nurse in a private room. She sat down and asked: "So, you're just here for a regular OB appointment. Right?"

I just stared at her, confused. I then said: "No, I am here for a pregnancy appointment...because I am pregnant." Her response: "Oh, you're pregnant?"

Trying not to sound too sarcastic and hateful, I said: "Yeah. I'm 17 weeks pregnant. With twins [CAN'T YOU TELL!!?] . We're here about our blood test results?"

She looked completely lost. Obviously flustered, she got up and left the room to find a doctor. Thirty minutes later, we still had not seen a doctor. By this point, I was livid. I felt completely dehumanized. Did they not care that we had been waiting for over an hour to see someone? Why did they book so many patients if they can't possibly see them all? This was our second visit and the second time we had to wait over an hour. Not okay.

Nathan and I finally decided to walk out of the office. As Nathan opened the door of the room, the doctor approached him, saying: "We're coming, we're coming!!" Hopefully, he could see how angry I was when I gave him my frigid death stare (which Nathan says is terrifying). That being said, the doctor we saw today was excellent. Dr. Smith was very knowledgeable, and I immediately felt at ease as he spoke.

For my anemia, he suggested I eat more red meat and high protein meals. He wants me to be eating constantly. Done. Regarding the thyroid problems, Dr. Smith believes I have temporary hyperthyroidism because my body was in starvation mode. Because there wasn't any food to process, my thyroid was working overtime trying to control my metabolism, thus causing the imbalance. He doesn't believe there is anything to be worried about at this point, which was amazing news. Additionally, he let Nathan and I know that Phenergran (one of the anti-nausea medicines I was prescribed, but stopped taking because it made me feel crazy) is actually known to cause psychosis. He said he didn't know why it was still being prescribed (neither do I).

Before we left, he did a brief ultrasound. He confirmed we're having two boys and let us know everything looked great, but that a more high definition ultrasound would need to be performed. Tomorrow, we meet with the perinatologist, Dr. Halverson, who Dr. Smith described as a sort of rain man. Apparently, Dr. Halverson is not very friendly or nice to his patients; however, he is apparently the best (and the only) perinatologist around!**

Hopefully, I'll have some amazing pictures of the boys tomorrow. Ultrasounds are the most exciting thing when you're pregnant!

**Update: We met Dr. Halverson and love him! He and his wife work together and are incredibly nice :)

Why Don't You Scare Me?

Friday afternoon, my sister-in-law and I were relaxing while watching Lord of the Rings (of course). Somehow, I missed a couple of calls from the the nurse at our doctor's office, who was supposed to tell us the time of our appointment with the perinatologist. After several calls back to the office, I finally heard back from the nurse.

She introduced herself and immediately referenced the bloodwork tests which were taken on Wednesday. She stated the results had come back with some "abnormalities," and I needed to come in as soon as possible for follow up testing. The only test I could remember having blood drawn for was the Quad Screen, which looks for potential genetic disorders like Trisomy 21 (Down Syndrome).

My heart was pounding, and I felt as though as I was going to throw up. While the nurse talked, I gathered the clarity and the nerve to ask for specific details. What was abnormal? Did the babies have some kind of problem? I think she realized how terrified I was as soon as I spoke.

She put me on hold as she retrieved the test results. A few minutes later, she came back on the line and casually stated: "Umm...so it looks like the Quad Screen was okay, but you have abnormal thyroid levels and extremely low iron. We need to do a full panel on your thyroid to determine what kind of thyroid disease you have."

Instant RELIEF. Thyroid disease? Iron deficient? I can handle that and whatever it entails. I had more bloodwork yesterday, and we'll know the results by Thursday. The anemia compounded by my thyroid issues would explain my fainting spells/black outs and the constant fatigue. I'm excited to get the right medicine and vitamins to feel stronger. That being said, I am a completely different person than I was two weeks ago. I can eat and most days, I don't throw up. Once this other issue is addressed, I'm sure I'll be an even happier and healthier person!

Eliza Lately

Eliza has been through some serious changes the last few weeks. To list a few:
 - Her mother was completely inactive for a month
- Grandma came, which meant a change to her normal schedule and more fun activities outside (so I could rest)
- Her entire nursery was packed, along with her toys and favorite blankets (she was hysterical as her stroller and crib were put into the moving trailer)
- She left the only home she's known
- She rode 800 miles to Washington
- She's now sharing a bedroom with her mom and dad in a new house

And lastly, we tried to take away her bottle. This was our most grievous offense and some parts of me wonder what we were thinking by adding this trauma to everything else. Somehow, we thought Eliza might be able to handle the change once she had an entirely different schedule.

Not so.

We have now created a temporary (hopefully temporary) monster. The past few nights, she has awoken screaming. She often woke up crying when we lived in Provo, but as soon as she had a bottle, she would go back to sleep. She never woke up screaming, though. Frantic for some sort of relief or solution, we tried giving the bottle back; it hasn't work.

Perhaps she is having night terrors? I don't know, but Nathan and I are exhausted and so is Eliza. She hasn't taken any naps during the day and then is awake for 2-3 hours every night screaming. I'm hoping she just needs more time to adjust to her new surroundings. This can't last forever, right?

Other than that small detail, Eliza is super cute and talking more and more. She really has been through so much recently. Who wouldn't be a little traumatized? I can only imagine what will happen to her world when her dad leaves all day for school and two little brothers arrive.

Here are some pictures from this week:

Also, on a completely different tangent, I somehow saved all of my posts instead of actually scheduling them. This explains the multitude of posts that went up today :)

How to Ruin a Picture....

...just have Nathan in it.

Seriously, Nathan? Seriously.

At least some of the shots were...acceptable.

p.s. This is the view from in-laws' house. Pretty awesome, right?

p.p.s. I kept this dress out for my going away  party and now it's the only formal thing I own that is unpacked. Please don't judge me for constantly wearing it in all of my pictures. It's either this or pajamas.

Health Update

Before we left Utah, Nathan and I had a final appointment with our regular doctor. We let him know my condition had not improved (although I began feeling better a couple of days later), but also expressed our concern regarding the NJ feeding tube. The doctor was wonderful and agreed completely with our decision to not have another tube placed. He said my body had not responded well the first time to the treatment and there was no indication things would go better the second time around. He then asked: "Well, are you able to keep anything down?"

Almost sheepishly, I confessed: "Chocolate milk."

I know it is ridiculous, but chocolate milk has been one of the only foods that I can tolerate...and crave. Obviously, Nathan would like me to eat things other than purely drinking chocolate milk all day, so I was feeling particularly guilty about my chocolate milk diet. However, the doctor was very supportive and stated I was actually getting a fair amount of calories from the milk and Carnation Instant Breakfast (which he recommended over Hershey's syrup...obviously).

Later that night, Eliza opened up the refrigerator and brought a bottle of milk and Hershey's syrup over to me on the couch. Perhaps, I do have a problem :)

However, that was a week ago and a lot has changed in seven days. I have been able to eat more frequently, and I even gained a pound instead of losing more weight. We met our new doctor today, who referred us to a perinatologist. He seemed a little lost when it came to our situation, so needless to say, I was not impressed. We meet the specialist next Friday, and hopefully, we will not be disappointed.

So Long, Utah

Last week, Ashley and Becca held a going away party for Nathan, Eliza, and me. They served some of my favorite foods and invited many of my favorite people.

Here are the two party planners, who were incredibly sneaky with their preparations. I had no clue so many of my friends would be there!

Eliza enjoyed hanging out with her new friend, Julia.

 My friend Brittany came with her adorable twin girls. It's always crazy seeing a mom manage of twins and then imagining that will soon be my life.

 Lillian and Sophie are too cute!

It was wonderful seeing the newlyweds: Mr. and Mrs. Broadbent (this still makes me incredibly happy!). I will also miss baby Ruby (Becca and Kyle's little girl). She is the cutest. Kyle is not pictured, but will also be missed.

And after 24 years of living in the same city (except the occasional summer), Caitlin and I parted ways (geographically speaking). Thank goodness for blogs so I can still feel close to all of these amazing people!

Eliza also had to say farewell to her birthday buddy.

We're lucky to know so many wonderful people!

Also, everyone should check out Ashley's amazing cupcakes. They were one of the highlights of the entire occasion! They can be seen in more detail here.

I couldn't think of a better way to end our time in Provo. It was thoughtful and perfect. After six years in Utah, it was hard to leave a well-established life, our home, and our loved ones. We're excited for our adventures in Washington and then Portland!

16 Weeks

We made it to 16 weeks, which has mercifully brought temporary relief to the never-ending nausea. Of course the feeling comes and goes, but I actually wanted  food this week for the first time in nearly three months.

 The babies are the size of avocados, which I find amusing because our home has an abundance of the fruit.

Two of these are inside of me. Crazy.

15 Weeks

We made it to 15 weeks! The babies are the size of apples (which I find hard to believe), and I finally noticed a pregnant belly bump this week.

I have been able to eat, but nothing stays down. Last night, the thought of rolls from Texas Roadhouse Grill sounded amazing...so amazing that I was willing to leave my home and go out to dinner. Crazy! Cheryl had purchased a cute dress for me earlier in the week, so it was easy to get dressed. Nathan then did my hair (an easy style Becca found),

and I managed to some makeup on. We were excited for a date!

A few minutes after Nathan received his meal (I just wanted rolls), I felt as though I was going to faint. I was nauseated, dizzy, and felt myself breaking out into a cold sweat. The waitress noticed I looked awful and came by our table. We informed her of our situation and she immediately brought to-go boxes and our check. As soon as I got into the car, I reached for my throw up bowl (which I bring around with me)...and dinner was gone. Gross, I know.

I haven't been able to keep anything down since Tuesday, so the possibility of receiving another NJ tube is becoming much more of a reality. Nathan and I are hoping something stays down today or tomorrow morning. It's not too late!

And here is proof I am alive!

Nathan wanted me to smile, but I honestly couldn't make myself do it! I know I look depressed, but really, I do still laugh and smile...just not immediately after throwing up.

But What Does it Mean!?

My friend Becky, who is a mother of identical twin boys, wrote a blog post yesterday about the definition of identical. After reading the entry, I couldn't help but laugh. It was just so true!

Nathan and I learned we were having identical twins before we found out we were having two boys. When I told coworkers and friends that we at least knew we were having identical babies, the response from several people (more than three at least) was: "I hope you have a boy and a girl!"

Each time this happened, I was more than surprised (just because it didn't make logical sense someone could even think identical twins could be a boy and a girl). I tried to politely explain that we would either have two girls or two boys because that is how DNA works. It's hard not to sound like a complete jerk in these situations, so I generally said: "Well, our doctor actually said...." Yes. Blame it on the doctor so I don't seem like a snob.

One time, even after the entire doctor spiel, I still had to persistently argue that identical boy and girl twins were not possible. The friend maintained that he had grown up with identical boy and girl twins, so he knew it existed. Finally, I gave up. It really wasn't worth winning that argument.

p.s. If you were one of those people, please don't be offended. Obviously, it is a common misconception!

Sane

A few days go (when I wasn't feeling my best), I did some research regarding the correlation between depression and bed rest. Obviously, the two go hand in hand for many women. One article summed up how I have felt in a couple of sentences: "[Women on bed rest] suddenly feel unproductive, vulnerable and dependent. If they have children already, often they are not able to participate in the care of their kids the way everyone is accustomed, and this may lead to frustration and tension if the family doesn't receive the proper help."

Well, thankfully, we have received the "proper help." Unfortunately, I have felt worthless as I have watched my mother-in-law, husband, and friends tend to Eliza's every need. I'm trying to let that go and accept help, but it is hard.

The past couple of days, I have felt more sane and definitely less depressed. I can honestly thank many of you for my progress. I have received so many kind messages and calls that I am truly overwhelmed with positivity.

My dear friend Becca has been an amazing support. She has shown up at our house with toys for Eliza, ice cream for Nathan, and sherbet push pops for me (I was craving them and they are food!). She also introduced me to a wonderful BBC series, entitled Sherlock. If you have Netflix, please go watch the first few episodes instantly. You won't regret it.

Health Debate

Nathan and I are still debating what to do regarding the NJ feeding tube.

On Tuesday, we spoke with two doctors and two nurses. 3 of the 4 recommended that I immediately call radiology and schedule another appointment for the tube to be inserted. However, I had a number of points I wanted to bring up before proceeding. None of them, except for Dr. Schemmer, seemed interested in listening to my concerns. I was told: "Just try it again. This time don't eat or drink anything for 48 hours" (instead of 24 hours). Not being allowed to even sip on water or Sprite for 48 hours seemed overwhelming. I am, of course, thirsty and hungry all of the time. The nausea prevents me from ever wanting food, but I do enjoy drinking what little I can keep down.

Dr. Schemmer, the perinatologst, suggested that I try to eat solid food and drink the next few days. He agreed that my body didn't react well to the tube and encouraged me to keep eating (even if I threw up). I appreciated him listening to my legitimate concerns. Of the list below, we shared the first four with him.

1) Inserting the tube requires exposure to radiation. Every time I have an x-ray, the chances of one of my children developing childhood leukemia increases 33% (1 in 3000 to 1 in 2000; then 1 in 2000 to 1 in 1400; etc). The nurses tried to downplay this by saying the radiation is very limited, but I can't help but worry.

2) I had the other tube for 24 hours before vomiting it up. I worry that the same thing will happen again and that the x-ray, procedure, pain will have been for nothing.

3) Obviously, I was traumatized by the insertion of the tube. It was not something I want to have done again, even if that seems extremely selfish. I just don't know if I can mentally handle it.

4) The tube rubs one's throat and nose raw. After only one day, my throat was so incredibly sore I could hardly swallow my own saliva. Apparently, the throat and nose roughen or callous eventually, causing the pain to be less intense. However, eating solid food is very difficult, although encouraged. The food pulls on the tube as it goes down the throat, causing immense discomfort.

5) The tube is always there, and I am connected to fluids 24 hours a day. Even while I sleep, I am receiving nutrients and water. I never get a break from being connected to my IV stand and bags. Psychologically speaking, this makes me feel completely disabled and as though I will never get better. On Monday, my first day in weeks without an IV line (or a feeding tube), I felt free. I didn't have to roll a stand to the bathroom with me in the middle of the night. I could walk outside for a moment, and I could finally sleep without a needle in my arm or tube down my throat.

After all of these points, I still have to face the fact that I am still constantly nauseated, throwing up, and losing weight. While physically exhausted, I am mentally feeling much better. Nathan and I are going to wait a few more days (perhaps until Monday) until we rule out another NJ tube. In the meantime, I am going to continue to eat what I can.

So Close to Two!

Eliza is 22 months old! The past few weeks, she has really started to talk. She repeats almost every word we say and can ask to go outside or for a cup of juice. Her new routine is to go on a morning walk with Cheryl and play at the park for an hour or so. She loves climbing anything, so the park is a perfect place for her to do what she loves. She also enjoys the slide and will sometimes tolerate the swing.

Eliza continues to be a picky eat, but will always eat string cheese and yogurt (tons and tons of yogurt). However, we successfully convinced her that some food is good (other than her staples). Proof that she enjoys cinnamon bread and chicken:

She is currently obsessed with letters and will go out of her way to investigate signs with she is out on her walks. She also enjoys counting and pointing to the various numbers on the front of people's houses. (Please ignore her dirty little face in the below picture).

She also is prone to take little detours on her walks. Case in point:

Our current struggle is maintaining Eliza's hair.

Oh, the curls. Her hair doesn't really get longer...it just gets more curly. When she is taking a bath, I am always surprised to see just how long her hair is! We've tried clips and various kinds of ouchless hair ties, but Eliza manages to pull them all out. Cutting her bangs won't really solve the problem, so I guess we will have to wait for her to decide hair clips are okay.

She also learned how to say "pray" and loves bowing her head and folding her arms randomly throughout the day. She's so smart and lovable. She is definitely still a daddy's girl as well.

Happy 22 months, Eliza! We think you're the cutest.

Happy!

Yes. It's true. Eliza watches Yo Gabba Gabba. And while it may be melting her mind, it's just about the only thing we can do to keep her occupied while I try to tend to Cecil, the house, cleaning, making food, and whatever else.

This is her watching the introduction.

Running Out of Options

Last night, I suddenly felt as though I was going to throw up. Because I was attached to the feeding tube and couldn't move, I frantically motioned for Nathan to get the designated throw-up bowl. And then I threw up the feeding tube. Half of it, to be exact.

8 inches formed a loop coming out of my mouth, and the rest of the tube remained down my throat. I started panicking and gagging because I couldn't breathe or talk. The tube was down one nostril, making breathing through my nose difficult, and the rest of the line was coming out of my mouth, obviously further impairing my ability to breathe. Nathan was great at calming me down, so I could catch my breath. He then began calling our list of doctors and Home Health Care nurses in an attempt to find out what we should do. The advice was to go to the emergency room, so the rest of the tube could be removed.

Nathan hurried off to pick up our friend Tina, who was nice enough to spend her night watching Eliza (instead of watching fireworks). As soon as he left, I began vomiting again, as the tubing was constantly gagging me. The rest of the tube came out. I couldn't believe it. The tube was put into my small intestine to prevent me from being able to throw it up. And then, the very first time I throw up- it's out.

We still went to the emergency room, where we were told a specialist would not be available until Tuesday to replace the tube. At this point, I don't know what to do. Thankfully, I still had my IV line in, so Nathan was able to give me fluids intravenously last night. Today though, the line went bad, so I now have no feeding tube or IV. I am going to do my best to eat and drink until we can be seen again, but I am worried what our options are. The insertion of the NJ tube required exposure to small amounts of radiation. It's not like I can go have a new tube inserted daily and the fact that the line lasted for only 24 hours is worrisome.

What do we do? I don't want to have another x-ray while pregnant. I don't want to endure the insertion again. And yet, that seems to be the only way I am going to get calories. The feeding tube offers 1600-1800 calories a day, while IV therapy only can provide 400 calories. We're praying for a miracle. Perhaps, I will be able to keep food and liquids down...because realistically speaking, we are really running out of options.

Meaning. . .

I'm usually the joker of the blog, but this one will be serious. . .er.

I'm an INFP, which means nothing to most people. But what it means to me is that everything means everything. Every little detail of every second of our life is full of meaning. Recently I've been trying to figure out what all the chaos in our lives is all about. What's it REALLY for? What are we supposed to learn from this?

I'm pretty sure the point isn't "Life sucks, then you die." But along with that, it doesn't even seem like we're just supposed to suffer just to suffer. So what are Celia and I supposed to learn from what we're going through? I have no clue. I can tell you a thought I had though.

It's the 4th of July weekend and people are celebrating. There are fairs with rides, candy, music, vendors, and entertainers. People are walking up and down the streets basking in all these delights. Celia is laying in a bed with a tube in her nose and one in her arm. Our house is a wreck and all I can do is take care of Cecil, then baby, then Cecil, and so on.

Other people are riding in hot air balloons, loading up their boats to go to the lake. As I saw a one of these trucks pass by, its passengers in tank-tops and sunglasses, I thought to myself "I wish all I had to worry about right now was boating."

The counter thought that came next was "All I can focus on right now is surviving." Then a stream of images came to mind and the overriding thought that the majority of all people in the world find themselves in that situation their entire lives. Why should I feel entitled to something different? Is it because I'm American and in America people have it good by default?

I'm afraid I do believe that to some point. It has been subconsciously ingrained in my mind that I deserve to have it good. All of the time. Even with all the teachings of the gospel about trials and opposition, you just never think it'll get really bad.  Now that it is, it's REALLY tough to put all of those teaching into action.

I guess the point is: gratitude. So cliche, I know. So trite and non-glamorous. But that's it.  And while it never makes you feel better to say "it could be so much worse," it is true. Cecil will get better, the twins will be born, and someday we'll all be able to go on a walk. And who knows, maybe we'll even get to go boating.

God bless America -- but at the times it (and I) feels less blessed, I'll be ok with that. Because there really is an overwhelming amount of things to be thankful for. You/I/We all have it so good.

Happy 4th of July everyone.

Relief

Finally, one of the longest days of our lives is almost over.

My mother-in-law left yesterday (my niece is getting baptized this weekend in Portland), and she is sorely missed. It really feels as though things have fallen apart in the last 24 hours. As soon as we woke up, it seemed as though this day was not going to go our way. The appointment for my nasojejunum tube insertion was scheduled for 9:20; but before we left, Eliza had to take her morning walk with Nathan. On the way home from the park, Nathan felt his neck pop and suddenly, he was unable to move his head without it causing immense pain. Unfortunately, the pain persisted and he is still hurting tonight. His neck is stiff, lifting anything (including Eliza) hurts tremendously, and he has to physically support his head if he has to lean over for any reason. I don't know what to do to help him other than assure him it's perfectly alright if our house is a disaster area and Eliza watches television for an inappropriate length of time.

Although he was in pain, Nathan managed to drive me to the hospital for the tube insertion. Radiology performs the procedure, as an x-ray must be performed during the process to make sure the tube is threaded through the stomach and into the small intestine. Not to sound dramatic, but I can honestly say the ordeal was one of the worst things I've ever physically experienced. I was awake without any medication as they injected gel into my nostrils and slid the ridiculously long tube down my nose and pushed it into the intestine. I had to constantly swallow the tubing as I continually gagged.  Nathan couldn't stay with me due to the radiation, and I was covered in three fifteen pound magnetic shields. I felt alone and trapped. I had to hold my hands beside my body and couldn't move throughout the procedure. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't swallow, and the choking sensation only added to the anxiety. So yeah, I feel traumatized! Can you tell?

This was followed by another visit to the infusion lab to have my blood drawn and new IV line inserted. Again, the nurse was unable to locate a good vein and poked my hand furiously as she attempted to thread the IV. After a few minutes, I nearly passed out (which landed me an Orange Fanta! Yummmm), and I gathered the courage to tell her: "Please just put it in the large vein at the bend of my arm. I don't care if I can't bend my arm at all. I just can't be poked again." She was more than happy to accomodate me.

And sadly, we had more appointments to figure out our insurance. It was just too much for one day! Nathan and I got home a little after 2:00 and both of us were exhausted. Allison was amazing enough to watch Eliza the entire time we were out, and our little girl definitely wanted to do fun things once we were home. Nathan managed to go on another walk (although he was still feeling awful) and then Eliza blessed us by taking a second nap, which hasn't happened in WEEKS.

Home Care came around 3:00 and delivered all of the goods, and then a nurse arrived to set up the pump and explain how to administer the fluids. Basically, the food solution is similar (in appearance) to baby formula or Ensure. The feeding tube will be on and pumping literally 24 hours a day. I have to slowly acclimate my body to this type of feeding, and the goal is to receive fluids 18-19 hours a day.

On a positive note (which I am trying to focus on today), today also had a few highlights:
- My cousin David called from NC to say he was thinking of me. It made my day. I miss my family.
- Becca and Katy came by AGAIN today just to sit and keep me company. I honestly believe only two hours of social interaction (i.e watching Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy) makes me feel more sane. They also came by yesterday and brought by cute little boy clothes. The first boy clothing we own!
- A lovely couple from our church brought by an amazing dinner (for Nathan). I managed to eat a couple of bites, but I am not accustomed to eating with the tube yet, so it was uncomfortable.

I keep trying to separate my mind from my body. Does that sound weird? I just try to focus on the future and how this is all temporary. When I dwell too much on how much I hurt or how hungry I am, I instantly start crying. All I can do is continue to pray and have faith things will get better. I know we're being prepared for something amazing, and I am very grateful for the opportunity to be pregnant again. So, enough complaining!

Thanks for all the love, everyone. I really do feel it. Please say extra prayers Nathan's neck feels better. Hopefully, we can make it to Tuesday without Cheryl :)

p.s. A special thanks to Caitlin and Tim for taking Eliza out yesterday. Thanks to them, Eliza actually did something fun and enjoyed herself at the splash park. Like I've said before, we really are blessed to have such great friends.