Saturday, July 2, 2011

Meaning. . .

I'm usually the joker of the blog, but this one will be serious. . .er.

I'm an INFP, which means nothing to most people. But what it means to me is that everything means everything. Every little detail of every second of our life is full of meaning. Recently I've been trying to figure out what all the chaos in our lives is all about. What's it REALLY for? What are we supposed to learn from this?

I'm pretty sure the point isn't "Life sucks, then you die." But along with that, it doesn't even seem like we're just supposed to suffer just to suffer. So what are Celia and I supposed to learn from what we're going through? I have no clue. I can tell you a thought I had though.

It's the 4th of July weekend and people are celebrating. There are fairs with rides, candy, music, vendors, and entertainers. People are walking up and down the streets basking in all these delights. Celia is laying in a bed with a tube in her nose and one in her arm. Our house is a wreck and all I can do is take care of Cecil, then baby, then Cecil, and so on.

Other people are riding in hot air balloons, loading up their boats to go to the lake. As I saw a one of these trucks pass by, its passengers in tank-tops and sunglasses, I thought to myself "I wish all I had to worry about right now was boating."

The counter thought that came next was "All I can focus on right now is surviving." Then a stream of images came to mind and the overriding thought that the majority of all people in the world find themselves in that situation their entire lives. Why should I feel entitled to something different? Is it because I'm American and in America people have it good by default?

I'm afraid I do believe that to some point. It has been subconsciously ingrained in my mind that I deserve to have it good. All of the time. Even with all the teachings of the gospel about trials and opposition, you just never think it'll get really bad.  Now that it is, it's REALLY tough to put all of those teaching into action.

I guess the point is: gratitude. So cliche, I know. So trite and non-glamorous. But that's it.  And while it never makes you feel better to say "it could be so much worse," it is true. Cecil will get better, the twins will be born, and someday we'll all be able to go on a walk. And who knows, maybe we'll even get to go boating.

God bless America -- but at the times it (and I) feels less blessed, I'll be ok with that. Because there really is an overwhelming amount of things to be thankful for. You/I/We all have it so good.

Happy 4th of July everyone.


  1. First of all, Nathan, I love you and it breaks my heart that you guys are going through such a tough time right now. Though, I must say that I'm selfishly really excited for you to get to Washington so we can see you.

    I totally agree with you about being grateful. Sometimes, and maybe even most if not all of the time, I think our trials are to help us be grateful later on for what we have and are blessed with. It's so hard with our limited tunnel vision to see that where we are now. I'm praying for you guys and hope that things will get better soon and that you'll receive a magnitude of blessings.

  2. Oh, Nathan. If you ever need someone to talk to, I can volunteer my husband. I have been on bed rest for three Christmases, and now in the summer. He has held emesis basins while I puked my guts out, cleaned me up after I peed on myself while I puked my guts out, and had to worry about me in the hospital, kids at home, and school or work at the same time.

    All I can say is ask for and/or accept as much help as you can. You will be in survival mode for several years, but try and make some good memories in the meantime. Remember that this, too, shall pass. And someday, be willing to get a vasectomy... hehe. :)


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