When Eliza was first born, I remember looking at her and thinking: "I love this precious baby, and she is mine forever." That was after: "Holy crap. I'm a mom!?"
I am sure this is a feeling most new mothers expierence, and as the months have gone by, I have graduated to higher levels of love and emotion. However, I must admit, the history of my love for Eliza was not as I always imagined. There were times, especially during the months of colic and weeks of frustration with breastfeeding, that I felt an absence of the special mother/child bond I knew should exist. I thought: "Am I the only person who isn't IN LOVE with her baby?" Although I loved her, I felt something just had not clicked. Admitting this to anyone was out of the question. How could I tell someone these feelings without worrying about being judged or deemed a horrible mother?
Of course, after delivery and throughout breastfeeding, most women have out of control hormones. My emotional instability created a skewed image of motherhood, which I tried to not let effect my relationship with my daughter. At almost seven months though, it seems as though the hormones have finally settled. Each day, I feel a growing amount of love for Eliza. She smiles , and I smile back. She stares, and I stare right back. She touches my face with her tiny baby hands, and I feel she knows I am her mother. She coos and laughs, and I want to cry.
The road to these moments of infinite happiness was long. But like so many parents have said before, it was all worth it just to hold the warm body of your little one against you. Only a few minutes ago, Eliza woke up crying. I walked into her nursery and stood over her crib, eliciting a shriek of joy, flailing arms, and the biggest smile. Until today, I didn't know I could feel so much love for one person!
I think Nicole Krauss describes it best in her novel, The History of Love:
"Even now, all possible feelings do not yet exist, there are still those that lie beyond our capacity and our imagination. From time to time, when a piece of music no one has ever written or a painting no one has ever painted, or something else impossible to predict, fathom or yet describe takes place, a new feeling enters the world. And then, for the millionth time in history, the heart surges and absorbs the impact."
So yep! I love love my baby....if you couldn't tell.
London: A Year in Review
10 months ago
Awwww. I love that quote. I also love Eliza and I can't wait to see you guys this weekend! Yay!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful! I feel similarly about my little girl. Although hard, being a mother is the best, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteBeautiful Celia. Being a mom is great!
ReplyDeletei agree so much and love that quote! Being a mother is oh so hard but oh so wonderful :) okay we NEED to get together when and where?
ReplyDeleteaww, I'm glad the hormones have gone somewhat back to normal....
ReplyDeleteAww you're such a good mommy! I can't wait until Noah can laugh. I think the feelings of detachment are more common than you think. I've heard many moms say they have felt that way. I can't wait until my hormones are a little more stable!! :)
ReplyDeleteThe first thing I thought when Megan was born was, "Ew, she's covered in a lot of goo."
ReplyDeleteSeriously. I love her way more now than when she was brand new and screamed all the time. And, I wouldn't say this to her now, of course, but the feelings I have for Benjamin are more tender than for her as a baby. Maybe it's because he was a calm, happy baby, or maybe I just realized that the baby phase passes really quickly and I appreciate his babyness more than I did for my first two.
For whatever reason, just keep doing what you are doing and don't expect to be "in love" with your child all the time. Or your spouse. Sometimes, I am overwhelmed with gushy "in love" feelings for each member of my family But most of the time, I just like them a lot. And once in awhile, not at all. ;)