Monday, January 31, 2011

Tough Love?

While reading the local news tonight, I stumbled upon an article entitled: "Utah Relatives say 'hot sauce' Mom Getting a Bad Rap" (horrible writing, I know, but that's KSL for you!). I have heard of parents disciplining their children with hot sauce before and was interested in what the article had to say about the parenting style. The article shared the story of a woman who was arrested for child abuse after her story of being an "angry mom" was aired recently on the Dr. Phil show. I read the article and thought: "Well, that is definitely tough love...but to be arrested? She must have taken it too far." I then watched the video clip of her "teaching" her adoptive son not to lie.

Half an hour later, I am still in tears. I was speechless, horrified, and sickened. I usually use my blog to talk about my family, job, or random life events, but I felt as though I just had to say how much I disagree with this approach to disciplining your children. I showed Nathan parts of the video (I couldn't watch it all before turning it off), and he made a wise observation. He noted: "None of this is done out of love for the child. It is done out of frustration."

Lately, I have been frustrated with Eliza. She enjoys throwing her food on the ground, turning off the computer as I attempt to work (or blog), breaking cell phones, ripping important papers, and turning the television off repeatedly with a mischevious grin (not the end of the world, I know). I often find myself comparing her to other children and feeling frustrated she isn't a calm child in any sense of the word. However, after listing these so-called grievences of mine, I feel so embarrassed that menial things (and acts of a BABY) could upset me. She is one!! She is normal!!

I am lucky to have a husband who is so patient and laid back. With his help, I know we can continue to parent Eliza with love instead of harsh words and ridiculous forms of punishment. And although most parents are typically driven by well-meaning intentions, it seems as though many acts of physical punishment/tough love result from the parent's inability to control their own anger and frustration. I'm definitely not saying this is the case all of the time, but I know it happens more often than not.

I keep thinking the phrase: "I was spanked, and I'm ok." I heard that line somewhere ages ago, and I have often repeated the sentence when defending the way I was disciplined as a child. I remember telling Nathan: "Maybe I needed it? Right? Maybe some kids need to be spanked." Just a few short months later, I have definitely changed my tune.  Secretly, I always hated the fact that I was spanked. I just ignorantly assumed it was what was expected of parents. I , therefore, thought I deserved the myriad of spankings I received as a child and believed I would probably have to spank my own children if/when "they really needed it." Mr. Nathan Robbins has told me that will never happen, and I couldn't be happier.

Proverbs 15:1 comes to mind: "A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger." I think the words "answer" and "words" could very easily be replaced with the word "reaction" or "actions." Don't you think? Easy.

Anyway, I'd be interested in hearing other thoughts/suggestions on the topic. What works, parents? Am I being too idealistic?

10 comments:

  1. My dad used to spank us as kids and needless to say, I have quite a few resentments towards him because of it. So yeah, no spanking for our kids.

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  2. I only got spanked very occasionally. I did get popped in the mouth for sass occasionally and I kind of think I earned those ones.

    Have you ever heard of Love & Logic? It's a parenting book series/philosophy. I took a 6 week course and read the book and LOVE it. It's all about parenting with lots of love and empathy and using natural consequences to teach your children about incorrect choices. I highly recommend the book (they have one for birth to age 6) and the YouTube channel.

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  3. I completely agree with you... but I haven't had a 3 or 4 year old yet! So I don't know how much my opinion counts. :)

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  4. This made me cry. Like really i was so horrified at how she treated her kid.
    discipline is hard, and only gets harder as the kids get older (and mine are only 3 and 1 yikes!) One thing I have learned is that you never have all the answers, you have to adapt to your kids, you have to do it in love.
    I love super nanny approach, time out and talk about it. Granted timeouts don't work in my opinion until they are old enough to talk about it and understand it (2ish and up maybe) Talking about it is SO important. Kids need love and when they are in trouble, they need to know you are mad but you still love them. this lady only talked down to her kid never let him talk to her about why he made the choices he made. She never once told him she loved him or anything.
    One thing i have noticed with my 3 year old is there is always a reason they are naughty and you just have to figure out what it is and help them want to be good (easier said then done right!)
    I wish this part of parenting were easier but I love how you guys are united on your front for discipline stay that way :). Parenting is filled with frustration and its SO hard not to let it out on the kids be it yelling or taking it out through physical elements. This mom needs a break from her kids i feel bad for her that she was driven to that point. :( I really hope that that little boy is no longer treated like that

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  5. No corporal punishment for our kids. Capital punishment maybe, but no corporal punishment.

    I wasn't ever spanked as a kid, at least that I can remember. I do remember seeing a friend of mine spanked. It scared me a lot, and I didn't ever want to go to that friend's house again.

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  6. I heard a part of that clip from the other room this morning on the news and I am glad I didn't see it. It made me feel so sad for that kid. I think if when you get angry, you have to hurt someone else, that needs to change. I can understand their frustration though- Noah is really testing my patience these days, and I've nannied for some pretty naughty kids. There are just so many other ways to punish and teach.

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  7. I appreciate your comments. I think you all are wonderful and had great things to say.

    Kayla- I am definintely going to check out that book!

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  8. My friend Mark told me a story about how when his son was little he used to throw things a lot. One day, he was playing with his sister out in the backyard and she came running up to him bleeding from her head and he looked out and saw his son throwing rocks around. He went out there and spanked him hard and a few times, and then his son just sat on the ground and cried. His daughter came back out and told him that she had hit her head playing on the swingset, that the brother didn't hit her. Mark said that affected him SO much and he never wanted to spank after that.

    My parents spanked me, and I don't think it helped in the least. I am firmly against corporal punishment. Violence begets violence.

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  9. Nick and i have head this conversation a lot. I got spanked and i assumed that is how children are raised. When you are bad, you get spanked. I was always scared of getting spanked, but i never was scared of my parents. For Nick it was totally opposite. He said straight out "DO NOT EVER SPANK OUR KIDS"... but sometimes it's hard because that is how i was raised. *note, i will never spank though because about twice i have tried a slight tap on the hand for no (generally when i was acting in anger and not love) and immediately i got slapped across the face. served me right honestly*

    I'm interested in reading that book your friend mentioned, but i think a lot of it is acting with love and not in anger. I have a temper and i have to calm myself down and wait a minute. We do time outs where hayden has to put his hands on the wall and we count down from 20 to 10 (1 to 3 means you need to stop or you get a time out). Then after we talk about it and we give him a kiss. It seems to work pretty well for him we'll see about Eldon.

    But i totally agree that violence begats violence and that when children act out there is some sort of pesudo-rational thinking in their heads that you have to get to the bottom of...

    ...i think i could write about this forever (aka ramble) but i have a two year old (!!!) tugging on my arm wanting my attention!

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  10. **so i just watched the video and i had to comment again. I honestly think the mom is trying her hardest. I don't know for sure, but i am guessing he was adopted later in life and those kids can be pretty messed up. Although this really is too harsh, it might have been the only thing she found that would help. She did seek out help and wanted to be a better parent. Sometimes we just don't know what to do and do the only thing we can. I do think she deserves a break though.**

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