Being Herself

When Eliza was just a baby, I remember Nathan telling me he would always encourage our little girl to be anything she wanted to be. He talked to me about not forcing my own expectations or desires upon her, and he stressed the importance of letting Eliza be herself. Nathan is a free spirit (obviously...and much unlike me, might I add), so of course he wanted his child to be independent. It didn't matter if she was 2 months old or 2 years old, Nathan wanted me to avoid labels and instead embrace whatever she was, while encouraging her to be a better person.

This was hard for me. It still is hard for me.

I have found myself calling her "the colicky one" or the "bad sleeper" or a "terrible eater" and a number of other terms of non-endearment. Eliza has marched to the beat of her own drum since day one, and  Nathan was most certainly granted his desire for an independent child.

Eliza has always known what she wants. In recent months, that is anything and everything pink. Eliza loves cars and puzzles, but her true loves are princesses because most things associated with them are pink. She isn't a fan of playing with dolls, but will spend hours dressing herself up. She is her own doll.

We now come back to the point of allowing our daughter to be herself. What Eliza wants to be (without much encouragement or exposure at all to the idea) is a princess. Contrary to popular belief, we have not trained her to love pink or princesses. She hasn't even watched a full Disney Princess movie (only the scenes with songs from Beauty and the Beast), but she loves the idea of wearing her princess nightgown, dancing with a tutu on, twirling a wand, and wearing a crown. She calls herself "Princess Pea," so I think it is safe to point the finger at the educational PBS show Super Why! for this one.

I'm sure the lady who wrote How Cinderella Ate My Daughter would greatly disapprove of us, but Nathan and I can't help but indulge our daughter and her passion for princesses. I honestly see no harm in letting her feel like a little princess (which is, by the way, one of my favorite movies and (also by the way) one of the only movies that can make Nathan cry like a baby (the part where Sarah draws a circle around herself  and cries, "Papa!" always gets him)).

When Eliza was sick, she just wanted to be in her princess nightgown all day. I knew she was feeling better when she brought over one of her pink gowns and asked me to help her put it on.

Look at this smile! This is pure happiness. So, despite our conversation to avoid "labeling," Nathan and I both agree that it is safe to say Eliza is our little princess.

She just is.

Stylin'

Seriously. These are the cutest binkies ever.

 And the cutest boys ever (in my own, unbiased opinion).

These pictures were taken last week before Elliott became really sick and lost all of his weight. I'll have to post some updated pictures of both Ezra and Elliott because their identical-ness is now out of control!

It's Getting Better

Various members of our household have been sick for over 2 weeks now. It's been rough. Fortunately, Eliza is back to her normal self again and feeling happy.  She is dancing around the house in her various costumes and acting like a typical two year old. Although her illness was traumatic for me, I think she enjoyed some aspects of being sick, like sleeping with Nathan and me, drinking chocolate milk several times a day, and painting Nathan's nails whenever she wanted (we were desperate for ways to cheer her up!).

Nathan is going to kill me.

She even begged for her "bubblegum" medicine this morning. She obviously enjoyed taking it three times a day and insisted on giving it to herself.

On Friday, we took Ezra and Elliott back to the doctor because they both had horrible coughs. Elliott was unable to sleep because he was coughing so much and choking on all of the phelgm. Fortunately for Nathan and I, our Aunt Dee stayed a couple of nights and tended to our sick boys so we could rest for a few hours. Friday morning, she also noticed a change in Elliott, and I was anxious for them to be seen as soon as possible. At our appointment, neither boy had a fever and their lungs sounded clear. The pediatrician told us to use Eliza's nebulizer and give them each breathing treatments. They both looked miserable, but I was relieved it was nothing more serious.

We began the treatments that day, but Elliott did not sleep at all that night. Additionally, Aunt Dee caught our sickness, which made us feel awful. I was still feeling completely exhausted from the pneumonia and Cheryl was even worse than me. Thank goodness (yet again) for Nathan! He was with Elliott throughout the night, but our little guy was miserable and could not be soothed. 

We continued breathing treatments for the next 24 hours, but by Sunday night, I knew something was wrong. Elliott had to be held sitting straight up or else he cried and moaned. He had completely stopped smiling (he always smiles) and was not eating. Additionally, we could only force him to drink about 6 ounces of milk over a 12 hour period. When he awoke from a brief nap burning up with a fever and gasping for air, we immediately rushed him to the hospital. He had a 103 degree fever and his cough sounded awful. I was, of course, beside myself with guilt for not bringing him in sooner and a sobbing mess as he was examined. We had taken his temperature only a couple of hours earlier, and it was only 99 degrees; It's scary how fast things took a turn for the worst.  The doctor decided to run some more tests and do an x-ray to make a firm diagnosis. Nathan held him, and I texted friends and family to maintain sanity.

An hour later, we were told Elliott had croup and bronchiolitis. He also had an ear infection, which was causing the fever and overall discomfort. His ears had been checked just two days before and "looked good," but I guess that changed pretty quickly. Thank goodness for amoxicillin! We have been consuming mass quantities of that miracle drug for days now. Three days later, Elliott is still coughing (and so is Ezra), but he is acting more and more like himself. He actually started smiling again today, so I know he must be feeling better! I can't get over how much his face has changed in a few days. He lost over a pound this last week and now weighs a couple of ounces less than Ezra, which boggles my mind. Elliott has always been the bigger baby, so it is strange to think of Ezra as the chunkier one.  Cheryl joked that Elliott had some weight to lose (his double chins were out of control), but I miss his chubby baby face.  I can't wait for him to be healthy (and fat) again.

The stress has gotten to me, but I feel more like myself today. I think we have officially exited survival mode and that is the best feeling in the world. I've learned that I am fine with babies who eat every two hours. I would rather have hungry, healthy boys than sick little ones who are too tired to nurse and refuse to even eat an ounce or two. It's easy to overlook health as a blessing, and I feel like I have definitely learned to appreciate the miracle of thriving children. 

Happy four months, Ezra and Elliott!

Oh Man

Somehow, I have the energy to blog this morning. I am currently propped up in my (death) bed with a sleeping little girl's head on my lap. I dare not move because she will inevitably wake up, and then I'll have a cranky, sick toddler on my hands. Thank you, iPhone yet again for coming to the rescue.

When I woke up on Saturday morning, I could no longer deny that I was sick, too. I couldn't swallow, my lymph nodes were incredibly swollen, my head was pounding, and I couldn't stop coughing. I spoke to Nathan and he was also feeling worse. Cheryl, my mother in law, was still overrun with pneumonia, and Eliza...

Oh, Eliza.

Eliza was given prednisone for her RSV in addition to albuterol through a nebulizer. She was also prescribed amoxicillin for her double ear infection and two other medications for her cough and fever. Like I mentioned earlier, she has never been sick before and has never received any medication other than Tylenol once or twice. Her body was not prepared for the assortment of medicines we gave her, which became apparent quickly.

Just a few hours after receiving the first dose of her various prescriptions, Eliza started bouncing off the walls. Literally. And yes, I do know how to properly use the word literally. She was running into the walls, kicking them, throwing her body against them, and acting like a crazy child. She ran back and forth for hours and screamed until she vomited and then would start screaming again. She became extremely aggressive and violent and would hit Nathan and me rather than talk to us. She stopped using her words almost entirely and resorted to screeching and growling when she wanted to "say" something. Nathan remarked, "She is more animal than little girl. What is going on?" It was alarming to say the least.

She couldn't fall asleep on Friday, so Nathan stayed up with her and tried holding her and rocking her throughout the night. She would rest for perhaps 30 minutes and wake up screaming. Obviously, we were concerned. It was Saturday, though, and we could not reach the doctor. This behavior continued all day, and I finally texted my friend Lauren, a seasoned mother, about her behavior. She let me know that the prednisone could cause a reaction like this in children and my mother (who is a nurse) confirmed this when we finally spoke. My mother also let me know that albuterol can make children more hyper.

For me, this has been the most stressful part of the "being sick" ordeal. Eliza won't allow us to sleep and runs around screaming all day. She requires constant supervision (obviously) and no one can relax with her worrisome antics. With us all being sick, it has been hard keeping up with her. I feel so awful, knowing that her body must be worn out and that the meds are possibly overloading her system, but I know we cannot stop administering the prednisone. Thankfully, tomorrow is the last day of that prescription. We are also thankful that Eliza has been a champ about taking the medicine.

As if Eliza's erratic behavior wasn't enough of a stressor, the boys began coughing on Saturday night. They were congested and miserable, but we thought they were RSV-free. Once the seal-like bark cough began, my heart sank. Their eyes looked sick, and I could tell they were not feeling well. Not my little boys. Please, not my little babies. I prayed, I cried, I prayed some more, and then I just held them as they coughed throughout the night. They were crying and unable to sleep, and I finally called the emergency room to see if they were equipped to treat infants with RSV. They had me speak to a doctor, who said no treatment was needed for the boys if they were breathing okay and did not have fevers. We were told to just monitor them closely. They just looked so sad.

Yesterday, we all went back to the doctor to be seen. Ezra and Elliott have a slight case of RSV, but it is not serious enough to require hospitalization or treatment at this point. Their lungs sounded good and they are fever-free, so we are counting are blessings. Their coughs are painful to hear and their noses are red, but they are healthy overall. Their pediatrician was impressed they were doing so well after being so thoroughly exposed to RSV, the flu, strep throat, and pneumonia.

She also stressed the importance of continuing to breastfeed, especially while they are this sick. I have no plans on stopping soon, but I have been worried about their nutrition, especially with me being so ill.

I was examined and the doctor confirmed I have strep throat and also a slight case of pneumonia. No wonder I feel so horrible. Yesterday was the worst day for me so far. The lack of sleep combined with the sickness utterly wiped me out. I spent the night throwing up, coughing, trying to breathe, and blowing my nose. I haven't been able to eat for three days now, which concerns me mostly because I worry about what the boys are getting nutritionally speaking. Somehow, my milk supply is amazing (I credit all the Gatorade I have been drinking), but I can tell that the milk is mostly water. Because they feel so awful, they aren't much less hungry these days and seem just fine with what they are getting. Our pediatrician assured us that was normal behavior and that their appetite would return in a few days.

We also made sure to tell Eliza's doctor about her reaction to the albuterol and prednisone. He said the reaction was rare, especially in toddlers, but that he had had a couple of adult patients tell him prednisone made them feel like they were "going to crawl out of their skin." He assumed from the pacing and running around that Eliza was probably experiencing this. The anxiety, combined with the energy boost from the albuterol, made her one feisty little girl. He assured us that she will return to "normal" once we stop administering the prednisone.

Nathan has been amazing throughout this ordeal. Although he has the flu and feels horrible, he has done everything he can in order to make sure I can rest. He held me when I was throwing up and placed cold, wet rags on my forehead when I was burning up with a fever. He has calmed Eliza every night as she screams in her sleep, and he has tended to the babies as much as possible. On Sunday, I could tell he felt awful, and I asked, "How do you have the strength to do this?" I was worn out, and I knew he probably felt just as bad as I did. Without skipping a beat, he said, "God." I love my husband. Fortunately, he is feeling better this morning.

The worst part about this situation has been the overwhelming feeling of helplessness. We cannot ask any of our family members or friends from church to come over and help. We would feel horrible if anyone became sick because of us. Our church family has done their best to help and has dropped off meals the last few days. In addition to feeling helpless, it is has been difficult to remain positive when we are so tired and sick and trying to take care of sick children without any sleep. I have a whole new appreciation for the times my mother stayed awake with me when I was sick and then went to work for a full day. I have a whole new appreciation for motherhood and parenthood in general.

I know that being a parent is the most sacred responsibility I can have as a person. When Ezra and Elliott need their noses cleaned or assistance coughing, they depend on me for this help.  When Eliza comes to me crying, I know I can comfort her. My children cannot feed themselves, change themselves (although Eliza tries), and really are helpless. So, even if I feel awful, there are three little children depending on me for their daily care. It breaks my heart to see them so sick, but I am grateful for the privilege to nurture and provide for them.  I love my children, and I am happy to be their mother. These thoughts are what has gotten me through the past weekend (and a ton of prayers along with tearful conversations with Becca and my mom).

I appreciate all the Facebook messages, texts, prayers, and Draw Something games :) They have lifted my spirits.

Here's to hoping we all start feeling better soon.

Viral Battleground

No one wants to come to our house.

Really.

And if you wanted to come, I would say no and keep you from walking inside.

It all started a couple of weeks ago when Eliza and I threw up in the middle of the night. We thought it was some sort of 24 hour stomach flu until Eliza threw up again a couple of days later. Since then, she has felt progressively worse and has developed a number of symptoms that seemed like the common cold. She would sneeze and cough, but acted like her happy usual self.

Then, on Tuesday, she started waking up in the middle of the night, feverish and coughing so hard that we could tell it was hard for her to breathe. We noticed her lips had turned a slight shade of purple, and I realized it was time to immediately take her to the doctor. When Nathan spoke to her, she responded in Portuguese--not normal (he has been teaching her Portuguese since she was born, but she never speaks in it subconsciously).  First thing on Wednesday, she was seen. I stayed home with Ezra and Elliott, while Nathan took her in for a visit with a family practitioner, as the pediatrician was unavailable. 

According to Nathan, Eliza was quickly examined and the physician said Eliza was over whatever she had. The doctor said her lungs sounded good and everything looked normal (and then prescribed three medications just in case we wanted an antibiotic for the sickness she was supposedly "over"). That night though, the same routine happened: Eliza woke up soaking wet, crying, and coughing so hard she vomited. Nathan was up all night with her and she did not eat at all on Thursday. She would intermittently nap and fell asleep sitting straight up. She was afraid to lay down because she had thrown up once while sleeping and it scared her--of course that would be traumatic for a two year old. She could only be comforted by "Daddy-ah."

After three days of not eating enough or sleeping at all, I decided to take Eliza back in to any doctor that could see us. This time I was going to take her, and I was not allowing someone to just glance over her without any thought. We needed a second opinion because I was convinced she had RSV. She had every symptom and the other doctor telling Nathan she was "fine" was not cutting it.

All of the doctors were booked, so we waited as a "walk-in" patient and prayed we would be seen by a different doctor. Eliza was running around, acting perfectly normal, but coughing up a storm. When I told the receptionist she hadn't eaten or slept in three days, she gave me a look as if to say, "I don't believe you." Eliza looked fine, but in reality she was just loopy from exhaustion.

We were taken back and met the nicest doctor, who actually went to BYU (a fellow alumni, woohoo!). Eliza was weighed and was down 3 pounds in just two days. When you weigh only 32 pounds, losing three of them is a big deal. He then listened to all of my concerns and then checked Eliza's ears first. He could immediately tell she had a double ear infection. He went to her chart and read the other doctor's note from Wednesday, which said: "Ears are clean and normal." Apparently, her infection is pretty severe, so there is no way her ears were just fine on Wednesday. I then told him her other symptoms and he could tell I was worried. I requested an RSV and flu test (the other doctor didn't even suggest this). Instead of making me wait for the results at the clinic, he told me he would call me as soon as the test was complete and would have whatever prescriptions we needed waiting for us at the pharmacy. Nice man.

He called twenty minutes later and confirmed the RSV. Yes, I am amazing thanks to Google. Any mother with common sense and/or an Internet connection would have been able to diagnose this case. She will have breathing treatments at home, along with steroid shots, an inhaler, and a range of antibiotics. Hopefully, she feels better soon.

But wait...there's more.

Did I mention that Cheryl, my mother-in-law, has a horrible case of the flu? And pneumonia? She has been in bed since Sunday and has been unable to eat, walk, work, live, function. I can't believe she hasn't gone to the doctor, but she knew there wasn't really anything for the flu other than Tylenol and Advil. Now that it has moved to her lungs (and she's lost 8 pounds), she plans on going to the doctor first thing in the morning.

Oh, and Nathan and I both have the beginning stages of strep throat.

All of these things being said, I am so happy that Ezra and Elliott are thriving. They have been happy the last two days and have even slept well during the night. I consider it a true blessing that they do not have RSV or flu symptoms after being so thoroughly exposed to both viruses. I continue to pray that they are protected and kept safe from any harm.

Nathan and I are definitely learning from this experience. We have grown closer as a family as we survive yet another "panic mode" week, and I cannot believe we are handling everything so well considering the circumstances. We know things could always be worse, so we are grateful for the challenges we have. After seeing what Cheryl has gone through the past several days, I will not complain about having a sore threat and headache.

Instead, I will count my blessings and give thanks for modern medicine, caring doctors, supportive spouses, loving friends, and two healthy babies.

Stock up!

If you are at all interested in Flip Diapers, now is the time to stock up!

Cottonbabies is having an amazing sale. Totally worth the money :)

Clarity

After sleeping TEN HOURS last night (all caps because I am screaming with happiness), the world seems warm and inviting again. Although I am still in my pajamas and looking quite haggard, I feel like a new woman. I am happy. I am smiling. I am enjoying myself! The fact that sleep is essential in order to maintain sanity and happiness is confirmed.

Yesterday, I was obviously feeling quite desperate for rest. I told Nathan I was willing to spend our savings for chiropractic school on a night nurse...and I was serious. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I knew that without sleep I would continue to feel miserable. Fortunately for us, Nathan's aunt Naomi (lovingly called Aunt Dee) came over to help us. Aunt Dee lived with Nathan's grandmother, Thelda, when her identical twins were born, so she is well-acquainted with taking care of multiples.

She arrived at 5 PM and immediately took a baby. I nursed the boys, and at 10 PM, she sent me to bed. I woke up twice to supply milk, but I did not nurse or even hold Ezra and Elliott. She took care of everything. I woke up once and Eliza was in bed with us. I woke up again, and Nathan and Eliza were both out of bed.

Apparently, they were up all night together. And while I am sad Nathan didn't get to sleep as much as I did, I am happy that they let me sleep! Even though Eliza is still not feeling well, she is happy and bouncing around the house. The twins are happily sleeping and things seem to be getting back to normal.

I feel so great that I may even take a shower and (gasp) brush my hair! In the future, I will make sure I do not get to the lowest of lows before calling for backup. I have a tendency to do that, but I think I am finally cured of my "suffering in silence" (or solely on my blog) policy.

It's a good day.