It's Personal

Breastfeeding. (That's what this post is about, so run away now if you are not interested)

It's personal to me.

Of course, that doesn't keep me from talking about it all the time. Even though I talk about it, I realize I am perhaps hypersensitive to the subject.

My days consist of nursing one baby and then another, tandem nursing when they are both awake, pumping, and washing bottles and flanges. When I say it is my life, that is not an exaggeration. With the most recent growth spurts, I spend 12-15 hours a day nursing and pumping. This means there can be no scheduled meals or sleep. I am always "on call," which means the babies eat several times before I eat at all. If I am lucky, I get a solid two hour stretch of sleep before being awoken again.

Because of these facts, Nathan and I had to have a rather intense conversation last night about what nursing was doing to me / is doing to me.

I am rapidly losing weight. I am sleep deprived. I am constantly starving because I cannot keep up with the calories I am burning. He is worried. Worst of all, there seems to be no time for Eliza in my busy schedule. We sit on the couch together and watch shows, but we don't have a relationship where we run around and play together. There are very rare moment when I have time (and the energy) to be an attentive mother to Eliza and her needs.

And that makes me feel horrible. I find some solace that Cheryl and Nathan are around to play with her during the day, and I know she is not being neglected. I just know I am too tired to be really interact with her and that I have been tired now for nearly a year.

She's only 2. I've been sick or somehow incapacitated for half of her life.  But for some reason, I still feel like I need to nurse the boys.

For a while, it was more of a guilty feeling.  I felt this immense pressure to be a "good mother," especially after breastfeeding did not go well with Eliza. I had this thought that giving up on breastfeeding would somehow make me a bad or selfish person. It's ridiculous, but it was a feeling I could not shake.

I also didn't want to treat the boys differently or shorten the amount of time I wanted to nurse them because they were twins. They couldn't help that they were born at the same time, and I didn't want to justify not trying to nurse because I had two babies. These were my initial thoughts before delivery and the first few days in the hospital.

Only a few weeks later, I would text a close friend, "I can't do this anymore. I give up." She, of course, supported me no matter what and let me know good mothers also feed their babies formula. And you know what--they totally do! I thought about it for days and nearly gave up after the mastitis. I kept thinking, "How much more can I take? Is it worth this? What am I trying to prove?'

The mastitis was excruciating, the bleeding chest was unimaginable, the clogged ducts have been painful, and the thrush has been a nightmare. But somehow, we have survived. The cluster feedings are now my nemesis, but I know the worst is over. There are moments when I don't think I can unhook my bra one more time, and I feel like I am married to my nursing pillow. But then there are those sweet bonding moments when I cuddle with a sleeping, nursing baby. There are those moments when I get to bond with little Ezra and Elliott as they nurse and hold hands. I can't even tell you how much my heart bursts with love when I see their hands reach for each other. It is the cutest sight in the world.

Obviously, though, it's still no walk in the park. When Nathan suggested that we use formula at least at night, I knew my response was someone hysterical and irrational. I essentially freaked out at him for even suggesting the thought. How dare he?! Did he not know that I am doing everything I can to nurse these boys? How dare he take away my opportunity to breastfeed. I was furious. I was so upset I couldn't even finish the conversation before storming off to bed in tears.

And why? He had a good point. I am tired. I am (at times) miserable. He was thinking of me and how I am essentially worthless (for lack of a better word) to my children if I am hardly able to function. I just have the sure knowledge, though,  that we are through the hardest part...so why stop now? I then realized that I have become a little too breast obsessed. I need to step back and think about the advice so many fellow moms have given me: "Do what is best for your baby and you." You are included in that phrase. YOU.

With Eliza, I would have been better off stopping nursing sooner than I did. Without a doubt, I know my inability to properly nurse greatly contributed to my post-partum depression. I pumped until she was 6 months and then switched to goat's milk as soon as we figured out her intolerance to breast milk. It was never the joyful experience I imagined. I had too much milk. She flailed at the breast. She screamed. When she latched, she nursed for hours and used me as a human pacifier. I felt trapped. And yet, I didn't feel like I could open up about my anxiety to anyone. Who could understand me not liking something so natural and beautiful? Even typing this, I feel a little worried about what people may think. But why?

It goes back to the thought that "good mothers" nurse their babies. For a while, I truly believed that sentiment. Why couldn't most women at least try to nurse or pump? What was their deal? Now,  I realize that there can be a variety of factors that prevent a woman from effectively breastfeeding. None of these things make that woman any less of a mother.

With the twins, I began to feel the same twinges of anxiety once I encountered problems. The euphoria of successfully nursing began to wear off. Fortunately for me, I had a friend on call, who gave me constant breastfeeding support. A lactation consultant, Caitlin walked me through several traumatic nursing experiences.  I also talked to a couple of other twin moms (and a triplet mom!) who nursed and gained the confidence I needed in order to continue. I consider pretty lucky to know these supportive people. Additionally, seeing the babies rapidly grow made me feel like supermom. I was so proud of myself when the boys doubled their birth weights in 5 weeks!

So although I am a breastfeeding advocate and I feel immense joy (even with the physical pain, there is still so much joy) and satisfaction in nursing my children, I understand that this isn't always the case for others.

And you know what? That's okay! You do what you do. I do what I do.

Like my friend Megan says, "Good mothers feed their babies."

I feel like you know my biggest secret now.

p.s. Despite the conversation last night, I have no plans to stop tandem nursing or pumping. I just need a better plan for snacks and meals in addition to a little more sleep. I want to also stress that having support while formula feeding or breastfeeding is essential. However, if things don't improve and I continue to feel overwhelmed, I know now that I can supplement without guilt. There is no shame in it!

(**Disclaimer: Because I don't like controversy and I want everyone to be happy, I hope I did not offend any of my friends or loved ones. This is such a touchy subject, but I had to write how I felt. I want to also recommend this blog post by my friend, former roommate, and fellow twin mom, Brittany. I read this post a week after the twins were born, and it essentially freed me of most of my guilt. I love you, Brittany. Seriously.)