Blogging Hiatus?

Over the last two months, I unintentionally went on a blogging hiatus. I have planned a million blog posts in my mind, but never seem to have the energy, desire, and ultimately the will to post any of my thoughts.

Of course, there is the real reason. There is always one of those hiding beneath all the excuses.

I had a miscarriage in November and for some reason, I have felt an infinite sadness that is almost too painful to talk about or even acknowledge. However, it is hard to write about anything else when these kinds of thoughts are always at the front of my mind.

I was surprised when I found myself pregnant the week before Nathan and I left for a family trip to South Carolina. Was I ready yet to be a mother of two? Was it too soon to be pregnant again? To be honest, I wasn't even 100% I was pregnant as the results of the pregnancy test were somewhat inconclusive (they are seriously impossible to read sometimes). We excitedly/nervously laughed as we saw the test, saying: “Is that a line? It’s faint, but maybe there are two lines? I don’t know!” We then tucked the excitement away and decided to take another test when we made it back home.

On the flight home, I began feeling weak and dizzy. An hour before we landed, I began to miscarry. I knew everything was wrong and kept telling Nathan: “This isn’t normal. I know it isn’t.” He, of course, tried to comfort me, but I felt completely alone in my physical pain. The doctor confirmed the loss the next day and sent me home to recover. Blood tests showed I was approximately 9 to 10 weeks along, which was somewhat shocking to me.

The next week included emotional and physical pain, days in bed, multiple trips to the doctor for blood work and tests, and of course, an abundance of love. Friends offered to watch Eliza, brought meals, sat with me at home, and even brought flowers to cheer me up. I never realized how amazing a bouquet of freshly cut flowers can make you feel.

It has almost been two months, and I am trying to remain “normal.” I try not to think: “I would have been 17 weeks today,” “Why me?,” or “Was it my fault?” I have come to the healthy realization it was simply not the right time to have another child. Perhaps my body wasn’t ready or I wasn’t ready to have another child yet. Through everything, I have gained the ability to empathize with those who have had a similar loss. I have cried with my sister, sisters-in-law, and loving friends who have known the pain of miscarrying; I now feel a closeness to them and have a sense of understanding that would have never been possible before this experience.

Whatever the reason, I know Heavenly Father will send us another spirit to love when the time is appropriate. In the meantime, I have the love of an amazing husband, a crazy little girl, and a number of friends. And with that being said, I am ready to return to blogging!

p.s. I apologize for the “Debbie Downer” post (as Nathan would say). However, good things are coming!