Twisted Around Her Little Finger...

"Even now, all possible feelings do not yet exist, there are still those that lie beyond our capacity and our imagination. From time to time, when a piece of music no one has ever written or a painting no one has ever painted, or something else impossible to predict, fathom or yet describe takes place, a new feeling enters the world. And then, for the millionth time in the history of feeling, the heart surges and absorbs the impact."
— Nicole Krauss (The History of Love)

I think this quote perfectly describes my love for Eliza.

My heart has continually expanded over the past seven weeks, making more room to love little Eliza Eden. Of course I loved my daughter as soon as she was born, but I am learning to find love I never knew existed. And just when I thought my love had reached some unthinkable high, she coos as she sleeps in her swinging chair, and I melt.

In short, Dr. Seuss describes this feeling best with his story of the Grinch (although I have never had a shortage of love).

Heart BEFORE Eliza:
Heart AFTER Eliza:Obviously, motherhood changes you...for the better. It's like hearing all those little Whos sing...and c'mon- we all know that is the best part of that move/book.

Picture Blog

Finally! I did it. Eliza was asleep long enough for me to get the blog started. So far, we have taken a picture of her every day of her life. Hopefully, we can keep it up. I want to start taking pictures primarily of her little face to see how she changes daily. It's fascinating!

I saw this video a few years ago that was absolutely amazing to me. It's called "Living My Life Faster," where a man took a picture of himself everyday for 8 years. Check it out. You'll see just how captivating something as simple as a daily picture can be :)

Hey Everyone Who Loves Me...

So. This morning was a rough one to say the least. Emotionally, I am exhausted, which is a hard thing to admit. But hey- it's the truth. Eliza has been the greatest blessing, but being a new mother is a taxing job. My mother had been here this past week, but had to go back home today. Sadly. Her presence has been a welcome relief. So on top on taking my mother back to the airport, I was also faced with some unexpected negativity- from Facebook of all sources. Yes, Facebook. Some comments were made, which essentially mocked my family and our situation (which we have been very open about).

What I wanted to do is say some nice things and get any feelings of negativity off my chest. Thank you everyone who has supported this family and loved us without asking any questions. Thank you for the kind comments and the jokes. Thank you for the thoughtful(and sometimes completely unexpected) emails, texts, and messages. Thank you for the homemade dinners and even sharing breast pumps (I know that sounds disgusting- but it's totally not AND it's sanitary! Caitlin- you are a lifesaver). Thank you for the baby showers and the gifts. Thank you for loving us.

I constantly feel immersed in love. My husband adores me. My baby is precious. My friends are saints on Earth. What more could I want? For every nasty, rude comment meant to hurt me, there are ten more sincerely loving ones. Thank you for tipping the balance, my friends. Your Christ-like attitudes have changed our lives. I can't thank you enough.

And there! I said it! I feel all better now :) Isn't writing cathartic?

Real Cool, Graco. Real Cool.

Meet my White Whale:Yesterday, my mom and I went to University Mall with Eliza to do some light shopping. After exhausting ourselves browsing through the cuteness that is GAP Baby, we returned to the car. We placed the baby in the car seat. Easy. We put our purchased treasures in the truck. No big deal. And then we attempted to collapse the "easy folding" stroller and place it back into the trunk. Nightmare.

I have a college degree. So does my mother. Why then was this stroller so perplexing?! We turned, we twisted, we pulled- and the darn thing did not BUDGE. By this point, Eliza was frantic with hunger. I, being the source of her nourishment, attempted to kick the stroller into submission. Fail. Desperate, I used a lifetime, phoning a friend: Becca. As she googled instructions regarding the stroller, Eliza's wails rose to a crescendo. Poor thing. Finally, my mother was able to calm her, and Becca returned with instructions: "Turn handle to collapse." But I TRIED THAT! Seriously! Apparently, the Graco model I purchased is the easy to use version to handle. Sure. That's why after 15 minutes and one lifeline used, my mother and I were still engaged in this battle of wits with Graco in the University Mall parking lot.

Finally, my mom used another lifeline: the shout-out. Some random passerby, a woman who looked pretty friendly, was beckoned over to help us. She too was perplexed. She pushed, she pulled, she twisted....and nothing. Finally, I mentioned Becca's instructions to the Good Samaritan and voila! Success. And all was right with the world again.

Moral of the story: I am never going out again with that stupid stroller without my husband (yes, I need him). And secondly, the Moby wrap is the best mode of baby transportation.

p.s Look how cute this dress is:

Oh Hey Sleep...

It'd be REALLY nice to become reacquainted with you again...but I don't see that happening anytime soon.

In other news, Lethal Weapon 2 is on!! That means I have seen ALL of the Lethal Weapons (all out of order- 4, then 1, then 3) THIS WEEK!

Wow. Sometimes you think life is hard and then something amazing happens. Lucky for that, eh? Thanks, Mel Gibson for your mullet. It's brought a smile to this weary face.

Overheard while in the kitchen....

"If you have to push that hard, maybe it's not time!"

- Nathan counseling Eliza as they enjoy Jeopardy! while I cook. Oh the digestive systems of babies. Lovely advice.

Letters

As many of you know, my engagement to Nathan was not a typical one. After months of praying and countless Sundays fasting (Nathan and family- not me!), I knew Heavenly Father wanted us to marry and start a beautiful little family. I tried to patiently wait for Nathan to come to the same conclusion. In all honesty- it was agonizing and quite possibly the most difficult trial I have faced so far in this life.  However, the result was well worth the wait :)

The day Nathan proposed (he drove to Portland secretly and completely shocked me), I received a series of letters from family members and even my chiropractor ( I told you- I had NO idea).  I was instructed not to open each letter until the end of the day when I was alone and could think by myself.  If you know me (or if you are like most people), you will understand how difficult this was for me. I agonized over every letter, expecting heartbreaking advice from all of these various people I loved dearly.  In reality, though, each letter is a beautiful gift of love I will always cherish.  When Nathan showed up unexpectedly in the park I was visiting with my now sister-in-law, Heather, I knew exactly what the letters meant. Needless to say, it was a most relieving moment.

As I approached Nathan in disbelief, he asked me if I had the letters. Lucky for him- I did (I had almost left them in the car).  I began to open the envelopes and read each of the four letters.  It was the last letter given to me by Heather that I treasure the most.  It was entitled "Future Visions and Endless Possibilities." Because I am sure Nathan would not appreciate me broadcasting his feelings to all of the world, I want to only share the end of the letter with you.

"This is it! The world is ours, to make of it anything and everything we want it to be.  I want to do everything with you. Literally everything All the boring stuff and the fun stuff: cooking, cleaning, diapers, walking, sleeping, hiking, biking, flying, sneezing, boating, smiling, and when we get a moment, just being with each other and holding us.

I see us going grocery shopping together. You get the cart. I get the baby.  :)

I see us going to the park on our bikes with one of those kid-bike strollers, and playing all day and then sitting down for a picnic.

I see us staying up late just laying side by side and talking.

I see us reading the same things and you smiling and looking over at me and waiting because you read so much faster than me.

I see us walking on a beach in Brazil.

I see us falling asleep to a movie with baby on my chest and you laying next to me.

I see braid night with the featured stylist...DAD :)

I see my mom talking your ear off every reunion and probably over the phone every Sunday.

I see cartoon Saturdays!

I see all of these and so many other amazing moments we'll have together for the rest of our lives.....

SO...

?

Obviously, that was one of the happiest moments of my life, mostly because it meant so many wonderful life changes. I love my husband dearly, and I am so blessed to have him.  It is thoughts like this that keep me going during hard days and nights like these. Currently, I have mastitis. I am exhausted and my body is dying for a break. Nathan has been juggling training for a new job and school and really needs his sleep.  But, like he foresaw, we DO do everything together. He did dishes last night, he changes almost all the diapers, and right now, he just got home from school, and Baby is on his chest as they watch television. I love him and Eliza, and I am so grateful Heavenly Father gave us this opportunity, trusting us enough to be parents to this little girl.  It's hard, but I have to remember it's what I prayed so hard for; It's exactly what I wanted.

Now mastitis and sleep deprivation- I definitely didn't want that...but I guess like the saying goes, sometimes you do have to take the good with the bad.

Married I Am

Currently, I am watching X-Files with Katy, Whitney, Becca, and Eliza.

We are all just making sure Eliza has early exposure to life's most amazing things.  She still doesn't get the fact that one must be awake to enjoy the beauty of Mulder and Scully. She'll learn soon, though.

Words that come to mind: happiness, bliss, fulfillment, peace, Fox Mulder, Fox Mulder, Fox Mulder....AND

I love my husband.

Enough said.

""If I had a camera," I said,

"I'd take a picture of you every day. That way I'd remember how you looked every single day of your life.""
- The History of Love

Since Eliza's birth, I've taken a picture of her everyday. I'm going to start posting these pictures, chronicling my history of love for my little daughter.

Wow, Discovery

Life as a full-time mother has led to my recent addiction to television. In my defense, I am too tired and overwhelmed to give a book enough focus and other interests (including blogging or anything constructive) require too much attention. So- a life of Law and Order and TLC it is.

Recently, TLC has shocked me with some of its shows. For instance, last weekend Nathan and I watched "I'm Obsessed With My Pet." This show chronicles the lives of three individuals who love their animals. From a single woman with eleven cats who adamantly proclaims she is "NOT a crazy cat lady" to a woman with severe anxiety who takes her monkey "daughter" everyone with her. It is definitely unusual. I mean, I do love my baby but after all....she IS a baby. Overall, it was just really sad. And speaking of television and children, I'm not even going to start with "18 Kids and Counting."

But the show that really takes the cake is actually on rival network Discovery Health. Entitled "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant," it is as ridiculous as it sounds. And yes, you did read that right. This show tells the stories of various women who were unaware they were pregnant up until they WENT INTO LABOR. Seriously. I couldn't even make up anything like this. One woman had twins without even knowing she was pregnant! After having a baby myself, I think: "This is ridiculous. Obviously, these women are completely oblivious as to what pregnancy symptoms are." However, some of the cases are somewhat understandable when the situation is described. Anyway, it is crazy and truly a ridiculous television show.

But the really tragic thing is, if nothing else interesting is on television Wednesday night, I might just have to watch the show again. Wow.

Eliza meets the Robbinses

This weekend was wonderful! Eliza finally got to meet her Grandma and Grandpa Robbins along with another uncle and an aunt.  Rex, Cheryl, Ty, and Jenny could only stay for a few days but it was amazing just to have more family around.
After nine other grandchildren, Rex is a professional baby holder.
Eliza is definitely going to be a Grandma's girl :)

17

The number of hours I have fed my baby over the last 24 hour period.

Yeah. That's what I did today. Jealous?

Parenting Pointers...

After four weeks of parenthood, I have a few of lessons:

1: A well-fed and sleeping baby is the happiest baby.2: Don't let your husband put a naked baby on the bed...Even if it is "just for a second" as he goes to grab clothes. If you do, this might just happen:3: Keep your mother around as long as possible. You DO need the help.4. A good husband is the one who takes the bag of 50 diapers to the trashcan. Let him do it. Thank you, Diaper Genie.And lastly, Eliza is pretty amazing. We love our baby.... and Toby too- even though he thinks he's been utterly forgotten.

Hey Kyle!

It's October 4th! You know what that means? No...I'm not referring to there being no real church today. I'm just reminding you that today is Eliza's official due date. She is no longer an escaped fetus! Just to clarify to those other than Kyle: our dear friend said he would not hold Baby until she was a "real" baby. And today- she became just that. So, Mr. Vaughn, bring that Mrs. of yours over, sanitize your hands, and make a new friend. I'll be home all day and awake every night for the next few years, so you should be able to catch us pretty easily.

Who Needs Sleep Anyway?

Not me! Now that we have cable, I will gladly stay awake with the baby ALL night. Just kidding- but cable does make it more bearable. I am slightly embarrassed to admit that shameful reality, but it is just so true! Eliza's "awake phase," the time where she is alert for four to five hours straight, remains to be in the middle of the night and early morning. Although this was eventually pushing me towards a nervous breakdown, I think I am beginning to acclimate. Last night, I didn't mind watching infomercials (the only thing on at 4 AM even when you DO have cable) and then early morning showings of Monk. I got this!

As long as she continues to be healthy, I will feed this little girl whenever she wants. And let me tell you- that's a lot! Even though she enjoys her pacifier (a lovely gift she did not have the privilege of enjoying until she was comfortable breastfeeding), it just doesn't make her happy throughout the night. Our pediatrician said most babies used it for comfort as they slept, but Eliza likes her "binky" (yes- I am that mother who asks her husband where the binky is) only when she is awake. Sleeping with either Nathan or me is the best way to ensure a good night's rest. Caitlin, a fellow new mother, agrees that co-sleeping is a lovely thing. My mother assures us we are creating the makings of a needy child who will continue to sleep with mommy and daddy until she is six or seven (like my sister). However, we know this is a temporary (yet necessary) thing.

Basically, I support co-sleeping for utilitarian purposes: It is undoubtedly the greater good, the easy solution to making everyone happy. Nathan and I get to sleep and Baby gets some comfort and doesn't cry all night. We're just one big happy family this way :)
Now...if Nathan can only get over his irrational fear of rolling over Baby, we'll be all good.